


A Soldier Learns to Say Goodbye

by trenchcoatboy



Series: Soulmates and Rewrites [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dean Has Nightmares, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Drinking to Cope, Goodbyes, Jealous Castiel, M/M, Making Out, Non-Explicit Sex, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Pre-Season/Series 06, Sleep Deprivation, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 16:12:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14109147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trenchcoatboy/pseuds/trenchcoatboy
Summary: Dean doesn't spend that year with Lisa and Ben. This is what happens instead.





	1. After the End

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is part of series where Dean and Cas are soulmates, hence the soulmate au tag, but you can read it by itself since it works as a stand alone and doesn't reference the soulmate thing at all.

It’s months before he sees Cas again. He figures the guy’s got his hands full in Heaven and there’s no apocalypse now to keep him here. So Dean goes on hunt after hunt, to motel after motel, to bar after bar, and does his best to forget everything. It isn’t until he’s gotten into a sticky situation with some vamps that he finally caves and prays to the angel, and even then he doesn’t quite believe that he’ll get an answer. He’s thinking hey, maybe he’ll die here and it’ll finally all be over, but then there’s a trenchcoat and dark hair and vampires getting ganked left and right and he’s staring at Cas wondering why the fuck either of them let it go this long. Before he knows it he’s got his arms full of angel and he doesn’t really know which of them is responsible. He just holds tight and lets himself lose track of time. Eventually he hears a gravelly voice next to his ear.

“I’m sorry, Dean.”  
“Shut up, Cas.”

“Dean—”

He pulls away a few feet.

“Look, you’re here now, alright? Just don’t pull that shit again and we don’t have to talk about it.”

Cas looks like he wants to argue but knows Dean too well to try it and nods.

“What do you propose we do now?”

“We,” Dean pauses and throws his arm around Cas’ shoulders, “are going to go get these monster guts off us. The shower in my room ain’t great, but it’ll work.”

“Yes, that sounds practical.”

Dean tries not to roll his eyes.

“Sure, buddy, real practical.”

He watches Cas look confused for several seconds until realisation dawns on his face and he gets a wonderfully familiar blazing look in his eyes and smiles at Dean in a way that would look predatory if he didn't know exactly what it meant. He grins back and they head towards Baby. They don't quite make it the shower. Hell, they don't make it out of the car before they’ve got their hands all over each other. It's lucky they’re in a motel parking lot in the middle of nowhere or someone would probably take issue with the two guys ripping each other's bloody clothes off in the back of an Impala.

But there's no one there to see them, no one there to care about hearing them the next morning in the motel bed. It's just the two of them there together in the morning sunlight and Dean’s starting to think things might be okay when Cas rolls out of bed and says he has to leave.

He doesn't want to think about the look that must be on his face, about how much it shows that he needs Cas to stay.

“You just got here.”

The look on Cas’ face says there about 100 things he’d rather tell Dean.

“I know. Things in Heaven... they're not good, Dean. I have to go back.”

He snaps his fingers and he's back in the suit and trenchcoat. Dean's never hated the thing more. He feels the gruff mask slipping over his face.

“Alright, then. Get outta here.”

Cas is doing that awful pleading stare thing.

“Dean—”

“Dammit, Cas! Just leave.”

There's a flutter of wings, and he's gone.


	2. Dark Angel Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel appears again, but doesn't stay for long.

He's angry for about a week before he's back to just wishing Cas would just show up again. It's two more weeks before he gets his wish and the angel's reflection suddenly joins his in a motel bathroom mirror. He jumps and swears, turning around to yell at the guy but his words die in his throat when he sees the dark look in Cas’ eyes. He barely has time to process it before he's being pushed against the sink, Cas’ hands on his hips, their mouths almost touching, Cas asking a silent question. Dean gives the smallest nod and Cas is on him, his lips practically devouring Dean’s, hands gripping Dean’s hips tight, painful in a way he really doesn't mind. He channels his anger at Cas for leaving into his response, giving as good as he gets and tangling his hands in the angel's hair and pulling, earning him something between a growl and a moan and a shove towards the bathroom doorway. He lets Cas walk him backwards until he’s lying on the bed, looking up at stormy blue eyes and mussed up hair.

“Shirt. Off,” Cas growls.

Dean more than willingly complies and is pleased to see that Cas has evened the playing field my mojo-ing off everything but his pants. He moves to straddle Dean, who is, as usual, stuck between looking at Cas’ eyes and appreciating the muscled planes of his torso. But he doesn't have long to worry about looking at anything once Cas starts trailing open mouthed kisses down his body, sometimes nipping his skin in the process. He pays special attention to Dean’s nipples when he gets to them and Dean can't help the moan that escapes them or his hands going to Cas’ hair and pulling again. Cas leans into the touch the faintest bit before grabbing Dean’s arms and pinning them above his head and moving his mouth back up to Dean’s neck and licking and biting the marks he’s already made. Dean can't fucking take it and bucks his hips up against Cas’, looking for friction. He (for fucking once) seems to have as little control as Dean and responds in kind, starting a relentless rhythm that continues as his lips find Dean’s again. It doesn't take long for both of them to send each other over the edge, Cas following a few seconds after Dean. Cas uses his mojo to clean them off as they both get their breath back. He doesn't say anything, just draws Dean in for another kiss, somehow both gentler and more intense than the ones before it, before he gets out of the bed, mojos himself back into his clothes, and leaves without any explanation.

Dean stares at the spot where he disappeared, wondering what the fuck is going on but mostly just wanting to know when he’ll see him again.


	3. Nightmares and a Watchful Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean isn't good at being alone.

It's two months this time. After three weeks, he goes to Bobby's for a few days, thinking maybe being there will somehow stop him from waking up yelling for his brother not to jump into Hell, or worse, seeing Sammy being cut to pieces in the pit until his body wakes him up in the morning. But it never stops, no matter where he is. The best he can do is avoid sleeping as much as possible, going on hunt after hunt without so much as a breath between them, never resting unless it's absolutely necessary. It's at one of the times that it is that Cas finally shows. Dean’s having one of his regular nightmares that usually end whenever his body decides to wake up when a deep and familiar voice brings him out of sleep.

“Dean,” Cas is saying as he shakes him awake.

He blinks, trying to get the world into focus and shake off the dream.

“Cas?”

“I’m here.”

“Took you long enough.”

He tries to be angry, but he's too fucking tired and too glad to see Cas, who, now that he looks at him, looks just as bad as he probably does, like he came right from the battlefield or something. Part of Dean wants to ask what the hell is happening up there, but a much larger part just wants to lean into Cas to make sure he's actually there. Cas seems to have a similar mindset and they don't say anything for a few minutes until Cas breaks the silence.

“You need to rest, Dean.”

Dean gives him a look that he hopes communicates exactly how bullshit it is for Cas to be giving him life advice after being gone for two whole months, especially when he's seen firsthand exactly why Dean can't sleep. Cas just stares back at him like there's no way in the universe Dean can prove he isn't right. He can't fucking take this.

“So, what, we’re just gonna go on a nice little vacation before you zap back upstairs again? I don't think so, Cas.”

_You can’t do that to me again._

“I can't abandon Heaven, Dean.”

_You keep abandoning me like it's nothing._

“Yeah? What's so important up there? Can't the other angels fix their own problems? What makes you so necessary?”

“Raphael, he’s causing trouble again. The consequences will be disastrous if no one stands against him.”

“And that's your job, huh? Your mission from God?”

Anger joins the sadness in Cas’ eyes.

“I don't know what God wants. I'm just doing the best I can, like you’re trying to do.”

“What d’you mean, trying?”

Cas gives him an exasperated look.

“Dean. You’ve slept approximately three hours in the last week, and you haven't spoken to anyone you actually know in over a month.”

Dean stares.

“How the fuck do you know that?”

“Just because I can't be here physically doesn't mean I can't keep watch.”

“So I’ve literally got an angel watching over me.”

The corner of Cas’ mouth pulls up, resulting in one of his rare (and adorable) smiles.

“Yes, I suppose you do.”

“Son of a bitch.”

Cas smiles sadly.

“I’m here as often as I can be, and you can call if you're ever in danger.”

Dean sighs.

“Alright. Just, tell me when you're gonna have to leave, okay? Don’t keep disappearing out if fucking nowhere.”

Cas nods, looking a bit guilty.

“I’ll do my best. I should be able to stay for a few days this time.”

“Alright, then. Vacation it is.”

And that's how they end up in the middle of a movie marathon on Bobby’s couch (he yells at both Dean and Cas when they show up at the door, but follows it by telling them to get their asses inside and giving them both hugs). They alternate between various ways of being mostly pressed together, ending with Dean’s head on Cas’ lap, his fingers slowly carding through Dean's hair, eventually relaxing him enough that he falls asleep. He doesn't dream at all for once, just sleeps for God knows how long and wakes up slowly, without screams or starts.

The feeling of peace lasts until he realises he’s waking up alone.


	4. Long Enough to Say Hello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He leaves almost as soon as he shows up in the first place.

A week later Cas meets him at a diner. Dean isn't expecting him this soon and almost smiles at the angel as he settles into the booth across from Dean. He can't afford to get too happy though.

“How long?”

“Not long, I’m afraid. How are you, Dean?”

“Uh, fine. Good. Yeah, I’m good.”

“Dean.”

“What the hell do you want me to say, Cas? Sammy’s in Hell and you're only here when you stop being Heaven’s friggin’ sheriff for five seconds.”

Cas sighs.

“I have to go.”

“What, now?”

“I'm sorry, Dean.”

He slides out of the booth, walks over to kiss Dean’s forehead, and walks out the door. Dean wishes he could follow him into the parking lot, but he knows he won't be there. He's known Cas long enough to know what goodbye looks like.


	5. Time Has Passed for Fond Farewells

Somehow he knows it's going to be longer this time. There was something about the way Cas kissed him goodbye that tells him the guy knew he couldn't come back for a while. A while, it turns out, is four months. It's the longest he’s gone without seeing Cas since the day they met. He tries to stay healthy for as long as he can, but it only takes him about a month to start to break down. The nightmares are back in full force and he's lucky if he gets an hour of sleep a night. It's been two months when he loses track of how much he’s drinking, and three when he stops checking in with Bobby. He wonders if Cas is still watching, or if he's too busy, even for that. It's three weeks into the fourth month when he decides to test his theory. He chats up a guy at a bar, takes him back to his motel room, and lets things run their course, waiting the whole time for a flutter of wings and a furious angel, but there's nothing. Not before, not during, not after. So he isn't watching. Dean really is alone.

He doesn't get any real sleep the following week and it wouldn't be that much of an exaggeration to say Cas finds a zombie when he shows up in the passenger seat of the parked Impala.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean just stares. He’d been past hoping Cas would come back at all, and now he's here, saying hello of all things.

“You look terrible.”

“Four months, Cas. And you weren't even watching.”

“I was.”

“What?”

“I never stopped.”

“You saw me…”

“Yes, Dean, I saw.”

He never breaks eye contact as he says it, practically boring a hole through Dean’s skull. He hopes Cas understands his unspoken question, as speech seems to be beyond him at the moment.

_Why didn't you come back?_

“You’re worse than I’ve ever seen you. Do you really think I’d neglect to come back when I saw you getting this bad and then suddenly return just because you slept with someone else?”

“Well, you're here now.”

“I would have come back months ago if I could have. My timing is purely coincidental.”

“Seriously? What about the whole...soulmate thing?”

“I don't think it comes with rules, Dean. Besides, neither of us has much respect for those.”

“... right.”

“However, that does not mean that I don't mind.”

And, oh fuck, he’s got that dark look in his eyes and before Dean knows it Cas has him whimpering and moaning as he leaves marks across Dean’s skin with his mouth.

“Dammit, Cas. Just, wait a second.”

He nods to the backseat and it doesn't take long for Cas to get them both back there and out of their clothes. If he was jealous and angry before, it's nothing compared to now and Dean’s swearing underneath him, breathless and wondering how this has worked out so well for him. That is, while he can still form thoughts at all, which isn't long once Cas is inside him.

Afterwards, he’s dimly aware of Cas going through his usual mojo-powered cleaning and dressing ritual before Dean fades from consciousness.

He wakes up in an unfamiliar bed—he figures it's in the motel he was stopped at—and thinks he's alone until he notices the warmth beside him. He rolls onto his side and finds Cas sitting next to him, eyes calmly trained on Dean.

“You’re still here.”

“I am. I have a few days again. I might even have a whole week.”

Dean blinks up at him.

“Really?”

Cas smiles.

“Good things do happen, Dean.”

The next few days are a pleasant mix of cuddling, sex, sleep, and lazy meals at a nearby diner where they quickly become regulars. It's a perfect break from what has become Dean’s reality until the fourth night. He’d thought his nightmares never appeared when Cas was there, but it turns out he's wrong and it takes a full minute for Cas to bring him all the way out of a montage of Sam suffering all sorts of torture, all of which are probably way too fucking accurate. Once he's properly awake, he sits up and turns so he's facing Cas.

“I just can't do it, Cas. Knowin’ he’s down there when it should be me instead of him.”

“Dean.” He says it like a warning.

“What, Cas? Nobody needs me up here.”

“You underestimate your worth to this world. To me.”

Dean searches his face, looking for some sign of a lie to get him to shut up, for anything that would make his words make sense. But all he finds is Cas’ face, staring back at him like he's never said truer words. He doesn't fucking get it and Cas just keeps looking at him and it's too much. He breaks eye contact and lays back down, turning so he’s facing away from Cas.

“I’m gonna get some sleep.”

He doesn't hear an answer.

He's afraid Cas will be gone in the morning but he's still right there in his usual spot next to Dean when the morning sunlight wakes him up. He doesn't even seem angry. Dean is confused, and stays that way for the next three days, which follow a similar pattern to the first part of the week. He's starting to worry Cas secretly hates him or something when the week draws to a close and he's driving them both toward a case that he’s going to deal with once Cas leaves. He's almost convinced himself when Cas breaks the silence in the car.

“I meant what I said, Dean. You can't keep going through life acting like you don't matter.”

“Yeah? Who's gonna stop me?”

“I would have thought that it was obvious at this point.”

“You’re not my guardian angel, Cas. I don't care about that mark on my arm. I'm not your responsibility.”

“I don't care about you because you're my soulmate. I care about you because I know you.”

“Not well enough.”

“Dean—”

“Don't, Cas. Just don't. You’re just gonna leave again anyway.”

“Yes, Dean, I will leave. And I will keep leaving again and again, as many times as I have to to save this broken world from Raphael and anyone else who threatens it. Heaven and Earth both need me, Dean. I can’t abandon them for you, no matter how much I—”

“No matter how much you what, Cas? Look, if you can’t stay here, then stay gone, alright? I can’t keep doin’ this. It’s gotta be one or the other.”

Cas is silent for several minutes. They’re in a motel parking lot when he finally speaks.

“Is that really what you want?”

Dean feels a dark mask fall over his face.

“You leave now, you stay away for good. I don’t need some feathered soulmate babysitter to watch over me. I’m just fine on my own.”

Cas nods, his face mirroring Dean’s.

“As you wish. I will not return unless you ask it of me. Do not hesitate to call if you require my assistance.”

He steps forward, closing the distance between them and kisses him, long and lingering, holding Dean’s face in his hands. When he finally lets go, he only moves about a foot, staying close enough for Dean to feel him breathing.

“Goodbye, Dean.”


End file.
